Conflict Management and Prosocial Traits in Romantic Relationships
Well-being can be defined as the state of positive health — mentally and physically — and it can be achieved through the development of a strong social support that involves the advice and understanding of others. There is personal well-being and then there is well-being as it relates to one-on-one and group connections. The quality equals the depth of care, and loyalty and quantity equals the amount of relationships.
Being surrounded by a person or people who do not add any emotional and physical benefits to one is likely to reduce personal well-being. Yet, it’s possible that being near someone or others that are generally more positive in comparison to oneself can help a person’s well-being grow — even if the affections and others’ behaviors are not directed at oneself.
The psychology professor, Nathaniel Lambert, declares that certain behaviors, such as gratitude, forgiveness, and quality time, result in self-expansion which are what aid in positive relationship deposits.
The goal is to challenge each other through mental and physically stimulating tasks, while being grateful for any rewards, and forgiving any mistakes.
The researchers Kenneth Tan and Louis Tay state that quality vs. quantity affects social relationships because people with more connections are healthier than those with a smaller group of relationships, but 150 connections is the general limit without giving up quality and resorting to superficiality.
Variables and Managing Conflict
Conflict management and social variables greatly affect social relationships because people that feel negatively about their relationship are more likely to cause conflict, and conflict lowers well-being. The VALUED conflict model for conflict management, by researchers Amy Overton and Amy Lowry, can be used to solve a problem by showing step-by-step actions that can be taken until an issue is resolved, but it should be noted that conflict is unavoidable.
Subjective social variables are how one feels about the quality of a relationship and well-being while objective social variables are obvious, logical measurements of the quality and well-being.
As seen in the figure by Nathaniel Lambert, active and destructive responses will result in magnifying negative facts and feelings while passive and destructive responses will result in ignoring the facts and feelings. An example of a subjective social variable is the amount of joy or misery that an individual may feel while in a romantic relationship while an example of objective social variable is the actual relationship definition or label — such as being partners, engaged, or married.
Factors like proximity, similarity, familiarity, and reciprocity affect how people in a relationship begin the connection, how it is continued, and how likely it is to end.
Amy Overton and Ann Lowry state that “avoiding, accommodating, competing, compromising, and collaborating” are how one responds to relationship problems, and each type of response can be adequate as long as a person shows “open-mindedness to the ideas and perspectives of others promote positive outcomes.”
Inability to manage conflict increases the risk of psychological harm which can result in physical harm or the end of the relationship.
Negative and Positive Traits
There are different types of relationships and the factors in these relationships that lead to well-being are confidentiality and a lack of dark triad traits. One main type of relationship is an intimate one which splits into marriage, long-term and short-term romantic partners, family, and friends. The other kind of relationship is a professional or formal relationship with involve others at the workplace and acquaintances.
The most intimate and healthy relationships are made up of individuals that become confidantes because a deep and meaningful relationship requires loyalty, authenticity, trust, and understanding. A confidante is more likely to be a family member, “best” friend, and long-term partner because the mentioned traits need to be built over time, and this is easier to do when there is more history and experience together.
Kenneth Tan and Louis Tay believe that the least healthy relationships, whether intimate or formal, involve narcissism, psychopathic behavior, and Machiavellianism. These behaviors result in self-absorbed individuals who lack empathy and may even resort to causing damage — especially in a parasitic nature.
According to psychology professors Debi Brannan and Cynthia Mohr, relationships can be more specifically placed in Robert Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love where the ideal relationship equals consummate love — the combining of intimacy, passion, and commitment.
There are several combinations of those qualities — even standing on their own — and they may still result in a functional relationship, but the healthiest intimate relationship will consist of confidantes with the holy trinity of relationship traits.
The Break-Up
Various concepts can be applied to the argument between two marriage partners in the video clip of The Break-Up. This couple seems to fall under the category of empty love since commitment is shown at a minimal level, and the video clip displays how the couple end their relationship at the end. Each of the individuals are focused on their own feelings of misery within the relationship, and they have failed to see what the other is lacking.
While Brooke and Gary seem self-absorbed, they may not necessary be narcissistic — they are significantly indifferent, though. They each are unable to forgive, unable to be grateful, and do not spend quality time together because of their differences. As shown in the video clip, Brooke prefers to attend a ballet performance while Gary prefers to attend a sporting event, and their dislike and criticism for each other’s preference is obvious.
As the argument continues without conflict management, Brooke says that “We don’t go anywhere together” while Gary says, “All I ask, Brooke, is that you show a little bit of appreciation.” The fact that they ignore each other’s statements is an example of passive and destructive responding.
As stated by Amy Overton and Ann Lowry, the only way to manage a problem is to “recognize,” “respond with respect,” “resolve and manage,” and “reflect.” The lack of conflict management and negative subjective social variables lowered their well-being which caused the break-up.
Loneliness and Social Isolation
As for my own relationships influencing my well-being, I believe my negative state-of-mind may be the reason that I have few connections. The few I have been able to keep are slightly to moderately dysfunctional, by my own standards.
When it comes to quality vs. quantity in my social relationships, I prefer to focus on quality that involves the same deep and important values because I view quantity as superficial; therefore, I have very few social relationships, and I am prone to pessimism, “ghosting,” and regular depressive episodes.
According to the research by Jussi Tanskanen and Timo Anttila, it is important to connect with others even if there is a lack of depth:
Small social networks, infrequent social contacts, absence of confidante connections, living alone, and lack of participation in social activities are criteria that have been used to define social isolation….Loneliness is a subjective feeling of being without the type of relationships one desires. It may also describe a deficit between the actual and desired quality and quantity of social engagement.
While loneliness is subjective and does not increase the risk of mortality, Jussi Tanskanen and Timo Anttila believe that social isolation is objective and does increase the risk of mortality.
I am socially isolated, regularly, and I feel lonely — even when part of a group.
The best I can do is focus on the few social relationships that I already have, becoming a confidante who applies conflict management, and obtaining the ideal personality traits and behaviors that aid in relationship well-being.
What is Love?
Robert Sternberg’s consummate love from the Triangular Theory of Love comes to mind when considering the definition of love. True love is more than just a feeling — I think love is logical. I also believe that the feeling that a romantic couple experiences for the first 1–2 years of a relationship is considered something similar to lust.
Love is a judgment because it requires commitment. It should be noted that I am known for being extremely emotional with very few people, and this happens with a few family members and my husband, but I do attempt to rationalize my decisions and behaviors. There is an exclusive group of people that I can be entirely open and free with, and I would consider them confidantes.
I found a quote, on Tumblr, sometime last year, and I knew I would remember it forever. I don’t have each word memorized, but the overall vibe resonated with me, and I have saved the quote for that reason. The quote mentions “judgment” and “decisions,” and I agree that love is a choice.
Feelings are chemical, chemicals rise and fall; therefore, it seems more reasonable to have patience, loyalty, and the ability to manage conflicts while choosing to love a person.
I found a research article by George Vaillant that shows how “neither Eros (hypothalamic) nor agape (cortical) has a fraction of the power to relieve stress as attachment (limbic love).” In order for a relationship to function and last, there needs to be a lack of stress. Stress may be caused by conflict; therefore, that involves conflict management which is a choice.
The researcher focuses on community, social bonding, and spirituality that involves emotions like “love, awe, hope, compassion, faith (trust), forgiveness, joy and gratitude.”
Decisions are still influenced by emotions, but certain emotions are too flighty and inconsistent, and I think life would be less stressful if they were ignored.
So, what is love? There are several different ways to answer this question, and some people may not even believe in the feeling or idea of love. For me, loving is a serious feeling and a set of actions. I view love as an emotional decision stemming from a logical core.
If it was relatively easy to break up with a person and move on, then the relationship was never one of love.
I would not want to gamble with something as deep and serious as love. In fact, I would rather not give up on a relationship since I know that any negative emotions and complications are short-term and can be managed.
